Genius Bar

June 7, 2009

Recently, I was at the gym, and as I was about to get on the elliptical and lose some weight, my iPod would not turn on. I thought, maybe it hasn’t charged enough. So I left the gym to charge my iPod with the car charger. It didn’t charge there either. So then I went home. Without losing weight. I tried updating it, and the iPod just lay defunct. I almost thought it was mad at me. It was new, too. Only two weeks old.

Thus, I took it the Apple Store genius bar today at the Palisades Mall–Shops for the Shady. Maybe it’s not called that officially, but the mall is rumored to be sinking. I found this little tidbit on wikipedia, if anyone cares: 

There have been persistent rumors that the mall was sinking. Long-time residents of West Nyack have claimed that the mall was built over a swamp. Many believe that the foundation was not stabilized prior to the construction of the mall, which is slowly sinking into the swamp. The proponents of the sinking theory point to the cracks in the concrete floors, in the way the mall occasionally moves, and in alarms that would sound throughout the mall. In early 1999, Rosie O’Donnell, who lived in Nyack at the time, shared her town’s gossip about the mall on her TV show. Soon afterwards, Thomas J. Valenti, one of the mall’s builders, appeared on her show to address the problem, and promised the mall was not sinking (even singing a song he had composed to this effect). Pyramid has said on numerous occasions that the mall is perfectly sound and stable, and is not sinking. Valenti suggested that the rumors could have been started by competitors or local residents who opposed the mall. In jest, mall management also painted depth lines styled like those on a cargo ship on the north side of the mall shortly after the rumors surfaced.[5]

I didn’t know my neck of the woods had a sense of humor! My neck of the mall, anyway. Back to my story:

I just left the house with my hair wet, wearing old clothes, looking like a bum. When my hair dries naturally, it becomes a fro triangle. The frizz looks like tumbleweeds that don’t tumble, but just stay in place and look ugly. I figured it’s the Palisades Mall and there are never any cute guys at the Palisades Mall.


Behold, at the genius bar, the hottest guy on the planet. Not the HGOTP, but if there was a Hottest Guys on the Planet Club, he would be in it. Probably the treasurer. And I thought to myself, “Oh, no!” But then, I managed to make an appointment with the other dude, the one who looks like Lex Luther. Relief! But when I came back for my appointment, Lex Luther said, “Oh, Kenbar over there will help you.”

KENBAR?! Really? Knight English-looking Noble and Brave Apple-iPod Resuscitator? Treasurer of the Hottest Guys on the Planet Club? Fucking great. I never run into hot guys when I’m doing something cool. So I told Kenbar,

Me: “My problem is that my iPod won’t turn on.”

Kenbar: [plugs it into the charger, and iPod turns on brilliantly] “It had no battery.”

Me: “B-b-b-but I tried that! I tried everything! Are you using a wall charger? Is that why it’s working? Can I get a wall charger? (Can I buy you a drank?)

And that was that. I must have come off as the President of the Biggest Morons on the Planet Club. (Xela is VP.) What is it that makes us so tongue tied in such situations? You’ve got to hand it to the creepy people who shamelessly hit on you–how the bloody hell are they so calm? 

Being the secret romantic-comedy dork that I am, I was watching Jane Austen Book Club last night, which was on my favorite movies list before I even watched it, and it opens with a Jane Austen quote that goes,

Is not general incivility the very essence of love?

I officially have a friend crush on a dead person wearing a dress. Because if what she’s saying has some truth to it, I must be in love with every damn thing.


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